Mommy in the Suburbs

November 9, 2007

It is tough being a stay-at-home mommy and friendless. You probably did have friends at one time during your life. Single friends at work or friends married with no children yet. Now a mommy and friendless, you hit the parks to find a mommy friend or two. Meeting mommy friends at parks is a hit or miss proposition. It is almost like the single bars scene (which put you in this predicament in the first place). You have a limited amount of time to talk to this person and judge whether you’ll talk again. If your kids strike up a friendship, they’ve made it easier. But 1 or 2 year olds rarely have developed those social skills.

So there you are one sunny morning in a local park, and you know one woman — the one with the white hat. She’s the calendar coordinator for a local moms group. And 20 or so mommys stand there like a group of kindergartners. No one having a close friendship yet. Everyone talking about mundane mommy topics – where do you go for your baby photos? How often do you make it to the gym? Is your baby sleeping through the night yet?

You look around watching your own toddler, half listening to the conversations and wondering if one mom standing there will eventually become your friend? Someone once told me all friendships occur because three things are in place: location; likability and pure luck. I would have to add one more ingredient: one person really desires to connect and makes that play date apart from the larger group. Once that occurs and the other person is even “half sane,” a real lasting friendship could develop.

Since becoming a stay-at-home mommy almost six years ago and moving every other year, I’ve had many mommy friendships come and go. You could say I’m almost an expert in the “Making of Mommy Friendships.” I’ve already told you what it usually takes to ignite a friendship. But what could kill a potential friendship? Of course, there is a long list of social do’s and don’t. But in the interest of brevity here are some definite no-no’s that sound like jokes – but have actually happened to me:

• Letting your toddler run around during a playdate naked with drink or food, or just obnoxious screaming. Any of these activities is just plain annoying and can show that your friendship will end up being just another anxiety-producing relationship as well. And since we all have extended families, who needs more stressful relationships?
• Revealing personal family issues too soon: (i.e. husband’s addiction to porn or alcohol or food or yelling – similar to the previous toddler example just the adult version);
• And, this is a no-brainer, but should be mentioned: Casually mentioning that your first marriage broke-up because you had an affair with your best friend’s husband. This information would definitely destroy a budding friendship.
• Telling your new friend you are just so busy and only have time to meet every other Thursday. And that you really don’t enjoy talking on the phone or emailing.
• However, the epitome of friendship killers is being in too much need of a friend. “Being your own best friend” is an important mantra to recite to yourself. If you like yourself and are friendly to others, you’ll end up having not enough time for all of your mommy friends.

The real clincher is to choose your mommy friends wisely – a friend should lift you up and make you look at things a little differently. Good friends make you grow – laugh – and eventually, hold you up when life tosses you down.

(igotmyhandsfull)

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